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Facebook // Instagram // YouTube // TiktokThere was a time not too long ago when I felt completely disconnected. Unintentionally. Like I was living ‘off the grid’ while I was very much trying to be on it.
In reality, the situation was never as bleak as it seemed. There were a handful of close friends and acquaintances present, such that I was never completely adrift, but still…my social life was not nearly as robust as I would’ve liked.
Then something amazing happened—I made an effort.
I know, I know—you’re shocked. I was shocked too.
It turns out that making an effort is key to having friendships. Who knew?
They don’t exactly teach this stuff in school. We learn to be social with classmates, neighborhood kids, etc., but we aren’t really taught how to create new social connections when the classmates and neighborhood kids are gone. Growing up, we lived in routines. Us and all the young people around us. We go to school, we play youth sports, we go to birthday parties, and hang out at the mall—and we see the same people over and over again, so it’s easy to make connections.
Then all of that structure vanishes overnight (literally), and we’re left to figure it out on our own.
…And this figuring out stuff can be particularly challenging for men. Most of us lack social graces and any desire to have them—and then there’s the machismo, and the ‘I’m too tough to show my feelings’ bit that we all seem to excel at. We box ourselves in with false/toxic/misguided masculinity, while quietly dying inside (again, literally).
So the effort I needed to make was very much going against the grain of both upbringing and personal disposition. I had to rewire myself, and “renew my mind” (Romans 12:2). Needless to say, it didn’t happen overnight.
But it did happen.
It was the effort that did it, but that renewing process really helped a lot. Three key shifts that turned the tide in my favor:
1. What do I have to lose?
Realizing that I really had nothing to lose was a game-changer. Think about it: if I venture out to connect with a relative stranger, and that relative stranger blows me off, then they just remain a relative stranger. Yeah, I might deal with some disappointment, but I’m going to deal with disappointment if I do nothing too, so I might as well give it a shot.
2. Yeah, I’m awkward. So what?
Another game-changer. Like so many others, I was always challenged with feelings of inadequacy. I never felt like I was cool enough to approach new people. I didn't quite know how to start the conversation, or I’d fumble with my words once I did. Suddenly, the record would stop (in my mind), and everyone in the venue would be looking at me (or so I feared).
But you know what? I love me. I am cool as heck, even with the awkwardness lol! I eventually got myself settled—after some practice, and a few doozies. At some point, I just recognized that I am worthy of having friends, and that I will eventually find people who are worthy of having me. You will too.
3. It’s a numbers game
Nobody makes every shot. Nobody. Steph Curry is the greatest NBA shooter of all time (as far as I’m concerned), and he has a career shooting percentage of 47%. That’s less than half. Making friends is much harder than putting up shots, and when you factor in the change of behavior that is required for men to make friends, it would be more like asking Steph Curry to switch to the NHL. What would his shooting percentage be then?
I’m sharing all of this because it’s one of the things that I’m most thankful for this holiday season.
I’m looking around these days and seeing lots of people that I appreciate dearly, and some of them seem to actually appreciate me as well. 😅
In all seriousness, this is a real issue for men, and one that I will be taking head-on in 2026—online and in real life—and for those efforts to have the results that we all want, I need to set a firm but very reasonable expectation for my brothers:
You will have to make an effort.
It’s pretty simple when you think about it. Manhood is defined by determining what needs to be done and then setting about doing it. That this endeavor requires more from us emotionally than it does from us intellectually or physically is almost inconsequential. It still needs to get done. We should approach the project of putting ourselves ‘out there’ with the same practical resolve that we would take on a new home project. We get ourselves prepared to do the job, and then we do it (…and if we need to run out to Home Depot a few times because we weren’t as prepared as we thought, well then that’s just part of the process).
Happy Thanksgiving, fellas! Be hopeful. Decide that you are worth it.
BTW, I’m serious when I say that I will be taking this issue head-on.
If you’re in the Philadelphia area (or are willing to travel), and you are looking to connect, level up your skills, and do things that adult men should do, then sign up for Assembly.
Trust me, we're going to have a lot of fun.